Alan Tyers – Ashes cliché drinking game

It’s going to be a long stint, the overnight vigil for UK cricket lovers. Liven up those dead hours between 3 and 4am with our handy drinking game. Charge your glasses and celebrate the retirement of Glenn McGrath, and then drink each time you hear the following:

“The first session is absolutely crucial” – drink one finger

“The new ball will be key” – so is a new drink, if we’re going to put up with this analysis. Get one without delay

Clip of Steve Harmison’s legendary first ball at Brisbane – finish drink and hurl glass at screen to relive the impotent fury of 2006

Miss by some distance and hit the family pet – one finger

Shane Warne says “absolute” prior to any noun – one finger

That noun is “ripper” – two fingers

Bumble comes alive when camera picks out drunken Aussie woman in bikini – one finger

Nasser pretends to fall asleep while Bumble analyses drunken Aussie woman in bikini at considerable length – two fingers

Drunken Aussie woman in bikini is drunker than cameraman thought and is behaving inappropriately – drink four fingers as camera cuts away quickly and commentators sit in embarrassed silence

Ian Bell’s “improved mental game” is discussed – one finger. Of shandy.

Stuart Broad goes a full session without having the word “petulant” used to describe his behaviour – fake to throw the bottle at your companions, accidentally let go and hit them in the face.

David Gower discusses wine-tasting tours of the region – one finger of basically acceptable Chardonnay

Sirian is losing his rag about field placings – drink one shot for each additional player over 11 that the England legend (Test captaincy record: played 12, won 0) would need in order to have a man everywhere he wants one

Bob Willis says “diabolical” – one finger

Charles squeaks in girlish glee – two fingers

Nod off and awake to see Phil DeFreitas being smacked all over Queensland by Michael Slater – gulp drink hurriedly; it was all just a horrible dream / lunchtime nostalgia package – three fingers

The ball has “gone soft”, the wicket has “flattened out” and Shane T. Watson is using poor Steve Finn as his own personal Daffy – finish bottle, turn off TV and hide until 2014

By Alan Tyers

Ashes and more besides in Alan’s W.G. Grace Ate My Pedalo

Or follow him on Twitter here

This entry was posted in Alan Tyers, Australia, England, International, OpinionAlerts, Stuart Broad, The Ashes, The Blog. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Alan Tyers – Ashes cliché drinking game

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention www.wisdencricketer.com » Blog Archive » Alan Tyers – Ashes cliché drinking game -- Topsy.com

  2. Nick Wilkinson says:

    Thank you Alan – i was struggling with this. Come on the start… You do realise i am going to have to wait till the highlights to complete my bingo card with big bad Bob and Charlie boy

  3. Alan Tyers says:

    absolutely. just press on through the day and you’ll be feeling no pain by 8pm.