Alan Tyers – Ashes cliché drinking game

It’s going to be a long stint, the overnight vigil for UK cricket lovers. Liven up those dead hours between 3 and 4am with our handy drinking game. Charge your glasses and celebrate the retirement of Glenn McGrath, and then drink each time you hear the following:

“The first session is absolutely crucial” – drink one finger

“The new ball will be key” – so is a new drink, if we’re going to put up with this analysis. Get one without delay

Clip of Steve Harmison’s legendary first ball at Brisbane – finish drink and hurl glass at screen to relive the impotent fury of 2006

Miss by some distance and hit the family pet – one finger

Shane Warne says “absolute” prior to any noun – one finger

That noun is “ripper” – two fingers

Bumble comes alive when camera picks out drunken Aussie woman in bikini – one finger

Nasser pretends to fall asleep while Bumble analyses drunken Aussie woman in bikini at considerable length – two fingers

Drunken Aussie woman in bikini is drunker than cameraman thought and is behaving inappropriately – drink four fingers as camera cuts away quickly and commentators sit in embarrassed silence

Ian Bell’s “improved mental game” is discussed – one finger. Of shandy.

Stuart Broad goes a full session without having the word “petulant” used to describe his behaviour – fake to throw the bottle at your companions, accidentally let go and hit them in the face.

David Gower discusses wine-tasting tours of the region – one finger of basically acceptable Chardonnay

Sirian is losing his rag about field placings – drink one shot for each additional player over 11 that the England legend (Test captaincy record: played 12, won 0) would need in order to have a man everywhere he wants one

Bob Willis says “diabolical” – one finger

Charles squeaks in girlish glee – two fingers

Nod off and awake to see Phil DeFreitas being smacked all over Queensland by Michael Slater – gulp drink hurriedly; it was all just a horrible dream / lunchtime nostalgia package – three fingers

The ball has “gone soft”, the wicket has “flattened out” and Shane T. Watson is using poor Steve Finn as his own personal Daffy – finish bottle, turn off TV and hide until 2014

By Alan Tyers

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