Monty: Airplane food is so appealing

Not needed for the limited overs stuff (after I dropped that round of drinks in my last ODI outing) so back home to Luton for a bit of rest and more practice with Mushy.

To be fair, there were a few problems at the airport, but there’s lots of positives to take from the situation.

At check-in, Mushy asked about special dietary requirements. They showed him the options and he had a bit of a think (always thinking, Mushy) and asked for a vegetarian meal, a vegan meal, a halal meal, a gluten-free meal and some Lucozade. He said he wasn’t too fussed for the salmon but if they had a spare one he’d see what he could do. I’m in awe at his variety: I just asked for a packet of peanuts.

The check-in woman asked us if we had anything flammable or dodgy or whatnot in our bags.

“I just want to bring this live chicken as my carry-on, thanks,” I said.

“But Mr Panesar,” said the woman. “You cannot possibly do that. The rules are surely perfectly clear, are they not?”

“AIIIIEEEEEEEEEHOWZAAAATCHICKEN?” I shouted, in an enthusiastic yet charming manner.

“No, no, Mr Panesar” said the woman. “Look again at the laminated card. Can you see the picture of the chicken with a big red cross through it, under the column marked ‘things not allowed on plane’?”

“Rubbish. That chicken is clearly in line with the column saying ‘allowed on plane’,” I said.

“Please, Mr Panes—”

“ARRGGGGHGGHGHGHGCHICKEN,” I argued, persuasively.

“No,” said the woman. “No chicken.”

“I want that looked at again,” I said.

“Alright,” said the woman. “Here’s another card. Do you see the picture of the chicken with a big red cross through it, under the column marked ‘things not allowed on plane’?”

She was right, believe it or not. It just goes to prove how deceptive technology can be. Still, it’s not flawless: I was sure my ticket was for first class but when I got on the plane I was in seat 98F economy, wedged in between a woman with a sick child and Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor on his way back from a bargain break.

It’s like that check-in woman’s got it in for me or something.

Alan Tyers knows a member of the cabin crew

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