The Alternative Cricket Dictionary – Letter V

A / B / C / D / E / F / G / H / I / J / K / L / M / N / O / P / Q / R / S / T / U

Unsure about your “corridor of uncertainty”? Worried that your “good areas” might not be up to snuff? Confused about exactly when you ought to “put your hand up”? Fret not: over the next 20 odd weeks, the Wisden Cricketer Online will bring you the Alternative Cricket Dictionary, edited by Alan Tyers, and we would very much like your contributions and suggestions. Please send your definitions to cricdic@gmail.com, or put them on twitter#cricdic or the comments below, and we will publish them.

V Type of cricket bat as made by Slazenger. Young kids wondered if the V on the bat stood for Vivian. Bowlers just wished he wouldn’t keep swinging it.

V, Playing Through The As in hitting it through mid-off to mid-on area; sign of all quality players, the exception being Tillakaratne Dilshan, who plays in the V between third slip and fine leg.

Vaas, Chaminda Sri Lankan of many talents and many initials, as would you be if your name was Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas.

Valentine, Alf Windies spinner, one of two little pals of mine, helped announce West Indies cricket to the world in 1950.

van der Bijl, Vintcent Frightening-looking but extremely amiable Saffer who was briefly brilliant in County cricket and is now in charge of umpires. Would like to see StuBo show dissent to Big Vince.

Vandort, Michael Sri Lankyan.

van Jaarsveld, Martin Brought to Kent by Rob Key, who was unhappy to see that he hadn’t actually acquired a delicious type of holey, milky Norwegian cheese, but actually a determined South African opener.

Vaughan, Michael Elegant and, for some time, utterly brilliant England batsman who saw form tail off over career. Proved axiom that a captain is only as good as his bowlers, as captaincy record suffered due to key injuries. Now ubiquitous media figure, conceptual artist and wig salesman.

Vegetables Things they started making cricketers eat in the 1980s, as new-fangled dieticians ruined the joys of Brown Windsor soup, steak and kidney pie and treacle tart for the professional athlete’s lunch.

Vengsarkar, Dilip Brilliant Indian batsman of the Eighties, nickname The Colonel.

Venkataraghavan, Srinivasaraghavan Member of spin quartet turned umpire, known to all as Venkat. Thank goodness.

Verity, Hedley Left-armer, useful bat and unusual name; died after being injured in action in World War Two.

Vermeulen, Mark Fiery (literally, in the case of that Zimbabwe Cricket HQ incident) Zimbo cricketer who engaged a spectator in a full and frank exchange of views during Central Lancs League match. Was banned for ten years, which seems a bit ridiculous, fortunately this was reduced on appeal.

Vettori, Daniel Left-armer, useful bat, unusual name; mild-mannered looking student type, looks like the closest he would come to violent action would be swearing while watching Countdown.

Victim Agreeably melodramatic term for a dismissed batsman.

Victor Name of TMS colleague Marks that always sounds endearingly pompous when delivered by Agnew.

Victory Ultimate goal of cricket match, assuming you haven’t been nobbled by a dodgy bookie.

Video Analyst Role filled for England by Gemma Broad, who beat off stiff competition from hundreds of candidates whose brother wasn’t in the team or whose dad isn’t an admin bigwig.

Video Replay Big screen at grounds, although they often don’t show contentious incidents on it, for fear of the total collapse of civilisation as we know it etc.

Video Review System to ensure that howlers are not made, even though they still are.

Vincent, Lou No nonsense, have-boots-will-play Kiwi; fell foul of ICL backlash. Has girl’s name.

Viru Whirling dervish at top of Indian order. Wears nasty do-rag.

Vivian, Giff Little-known Kiwi bat of yore whose name is impossible to read without hearing it in your head in a Young Ones stylee.

Voce, Bill Bestie friends with Harold Larwood, with whom he formed formidable partnership for Notts and England.

Void What a match can be declared if ruined by rain and not ruined by DL method.

Volley Either of bouncers or, in case of Australian quick bowler, abuse.

Volley, Half Always juicy and very often served up.

Voting Process by which India and her cronies at the ICC kept John Howard at bay. Also method of selecting cricketer of the year. Apparently, this is harder to get right than one might imagine – as proved by Graeme Swann incident.

By Alan Tyers

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