The Alternative Cricket Dictionary – Letter Q

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Unsure about your “corridor of uncertainty”? Worried that your “good areas” might not be up to snuff? Confused about exactly when you ought to “put your hand up”? Fret not: over the next 20 odd weeks, the Wisden Cricketer Online will bring you the Alternative Cricket Dictionary, edited by Alan Tyers, and we would very much like your contributions and suggestions. Please send your definitions to cricdic@gmail.com, or put them on twitter#cricdic or the comments below, and we will publish them.

Quack Poignant, respectful noise to be made when team-mate returns to pavilion after a modest individual total. Especially if he is a bat-chucker. The Australian TV graphic of the duck trudging off, weeping, is believed to be that country’s most significant achievement in the field of the visual arts.

Qadir, Abdul Scruffy, energetic and multi-armoured spin wizard who kept leg-spin flame alive almost single-handedly. Always anti-authoritarian, tried the poacher-turned-gamekeeper route as selector but resigned after falling out with board.

Quadriceps Bit of Kevin Pietersen most recently injured. He’s not really the grin and bear it type, is our Kev.

Quaid-e-Azam Founder of Pakistan (country, not brilliantly bonkers cricket outfit) and also domestic trophy there, and indeed league in Bradford. Well, named after him. He didn’t actually got to Yorkshire to set it up.

Quaife, Willie Warwickshire stalwart, played seven Tests, debut 1899. Played many first class matches alongside his brother Walter, and also 20 with his son Bernard. At Derby in 1922, Quaife père and fils played for Warks against father-son combo Billy and Robert Bestwick. How about that, then? Ok, that’s enough Quaife.

“Qualify for England” Term that has passed into the lexicon and now seems unremarkable; although frankly we spent most of the last 500 years worrying about this eventuality.

Quality Thing that a player can have, often in quantity. Also the mark of British meats, as shown off to devastating effect in the seminal, haunting short film ‘Beefy And Lamby’ (2005, directed by Lars von Trier).

Quant, Mary Doyenne of 1960s Swinging London look and cricket-lover. She was first inspired to revolutionise fashion in the UK by seeing Freddie Trueman model a daring pair of whites on the Paris catwalk.

Quantas Airline company on whose flight Boonie’s finest hour came.

Quarter-pounder Thing that Shane Warne’s balanced diet consisted of: one in each hand.

Qasim, Iqbal Pakistan slow left-armer (who actually got it through quite quickly). Bob Willis hit him in the mouth (with  the ball, not thumped him for saying that ‘Street Legal’ was a better album than ‘Blood On The Tracks’ or anything). Row erupted, partly because Bob had been coming round the wicket to right-handed tailender Iqbal and peppering him with the bouncer. But, as Mike Brearley pointed out, Qasim had been promoted up the order as a nightwatchman and, as such, should be treated like a batsman. This was in 1978; fortunately, there have been no disputes between England and Pakistan cricket since. Was also immortalised by Harold Pinter with: “I saw Qasim in his prime. Another time, another time.”

Quatt Shropshire cricket club who have made heroic progress to the quarter final of the nPower Village Cup, despite being hamstrung by fixture congestion.

Qayyum, Justice Pakistani judge who investigated match fixing in the country. His next mission is to be in Paris, investigating if waiters there are a bit snooty.

Queasy English batsman abroad, upon facing West Indian bowling, or Indian buffet.

Quebec Just one of the many unlikely places worldwide where cricket is going great guns, under the watchful eye of La Fédération Québécoise du Cricket Inc.

Queen Band of regular Lord’s attendee, Anita Dobson soulmate / hairmate and Quiet Man Of Rock, Brian May.

Queen, The After dinner speech jokes about Her so enraged Ian Botham at a beano Down Under that he walked out in protest. You want to know why we won the War? Right there. That’s why we won the War. I am welling up just thinking about it.

Query New development in the game post UDRS, as in “query to the Third Umpire”. Flies in the face of all that is right and good about cricket.

Question, Ask The Thing that a nagging seamer may do to a batsman, usually by probing his corridor of uncertainty. If Australian, the bowler will simply enquire of the batsman if he knows that his mum is a bitch.

Questionable A polite way of saying “f***ing appalling”, almost applied to a decision, although was briefly used to describe KP’s dead skunk haircut.

Queue Clever policy at Lord’s to stop you seeing too much cricket, by making you stand on the stairs for ages while various young men in anoraks check your ticket to see if it has changed since the last time they looked at it.

Quick, Promising Young For a while, a sure sign that some poor gangly teenage bowling sensation was to have his “action remodelled”, ostensibly to prevent injury but in fact just to prevent taking wickets.

“Quick Single” Always, always an opportunity for comedy at club level, when portly local plumber / publican / paediatrician attempts to rotate strike and finds himself run out by six yards.

“Quiet start to the season” Kind way of saying a player cannot buy a run, as when Paul Collingwood was memorably on course for 100 runs before the end of June a couple of years back.

“Quintessentially English” Rather florid term used to describe: the scene at a picturesque ground, a lovely old pavilion or a fat medium pacer.

Quota Shockingly unfair system foisted upon that most persecuted, downtrodden and sympathetic of groups: the Fairly Well-Off, White South African Heterosexual (Well, Very Probably, Let’s Be Fair) Male. Still, thank God, say the England selectors.

Quoted Thing that didn’t happen to Michael Vaughan correctly, when he used the word “Fredalo” and said that the incident affected the team, only to find the sensationalist muck-raking Guardian rag quote him as saying “Fredalo” and saying that the incident affected the team. A somewhat excruciating interlude followed where Michael reached for the traditional “I never said them things”, only to be presented with… the taped interview. Happily, Michael was able to put his distaste and distrust of the print media behind him to become a newspaper columnist on retirement.

By Alan Tyers