The eagerly anticipated series between England’s two Test cricket bitches is upon us. Play along with our handy guide and award yourself a point for each of the following…
Mitchell Johnson sees the first Test team sheet and turns up at the MCG nevertheless – one point
Via the use of hand puppets, Michael Clarke has to explain to Johnson that Australia have actually picked Mitchell Starc – one point
Missing Phil Hughes, Australia unearth new unorthodox batting talent – award yourself one point for each first-class game he has played (maximum 10 points)
Award a further point if he has mastered the mysterious “forward defensive” or “leave” – maximum zero points
With Sachin Tendulkar under great pressure to post his 100th international 100, media invent new milestone to take the focus off – one point
One billion people on tenterhooks as Sachin closes in on his 247th international catch – 247 points
Tension mounts as Ricky Ponting nears his 100th international run of the Aussie summer – one point
Darren Pattinson gets time off from roofing job to cheer brother James on – one point
Embarrassed shuffling from England selectors can be heard from Headingley to Melbourne – one point
Darren and James reveal that their third brother is “the one to watch” and predict a late call-up for ‘Twilight’ tween fave Robert Pattinson – one point per million girls who would like to marry a Pattinson
Bonus 100 points if anyone declares herself in favour of Darren Patz
Indian batsman plays heroic, defiant innings – 10 points if it’s not Rahul
Virender Sehwag declares himself “focused and hungry” – one point
Later emerges that he was talking about the hotel breakfast buffet – five points (wrap a Danish pastry in a napkin for later)
Peter Siddle invited to give the Ranji Oration back home in India – five points
Seamer delivers brilliant and moving speech with historical perspective on cricket, sport, decency and post-Colonialism – one point
With fart jokes – one point
By Alan Tyers. More Aussie taunting in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, by Tyers and Beach, here www.crickileaks.co.uk