County Cricket loses appeal: Alan Tyers

By Alan Tyers at Marylebone Crown Court

Serial offender County Cricket was once again back in the dock today as a court heard a plea to have its sentence of 16 games a season reduced to 14.

Judge Lord Chief Justice Chief Lord Judge Justice Chief Chief Lord ‘Judgey’ Judge (no relation to Robin Smith) told the court:

“County Cricket is currently doing a 16-game stretch, mostly in solitary confinement apart from visits from the odd pensioner, and the decision facing the court is whether to allow it an early release of 14-games a year.”

The defence argued that the resultant eight days off for good behaviour could allow County Cricket time to rehabilitate itself into wider society via a so-called programme of One-Day Release matches.

However, the judge rejected a plea to have prison conditions of 40 hours hard labour increased to 50 in line with practices worldwide, saying: “Do we really want to be carrying on like they do in India and Rhodesia and Ceylon and all those other frightful places?”

In this unusual case, the jury is made up of dependents of the prisoner, who subsequently face a thorny moral dilemma.

“On the one hand,” said a juror. “It’s nice to be here on jury service, go for some long lunches and get a break from my day job of sitting in the Chief Executive’s office out in the Shires.

“On the other hand, the cakes are better at home and my big leather chair is a lot more restful than this jurors’ bench, so there are certainly two sides to every story.

“I think on the whole I’ll just have a bit of a sleep and wait for somebody to come along with my money.”

With the jury apparently unable to reach any sort of meaningful conclusion, there was nothing left but to allow the prisoner to decide its own fate.

Judge Judge presented the defendant with a stark choice: “Reform for the good of society or carry on doing exactly as you please while other people pick up the tab.”

“It’s a tricky one,” said County Cricket. “I think I’ll probably carry on as before, but it would be nice if we could have another retrial in a few months time to go over the case yet again.”

Lord Chief Lord agreed that it would be best if we all had another review as soon as possible and, after waking up members of the jury, adjourned the proceedings.

By Alan Tyers. Further invented possibilities in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, by Tyers and Beach, here

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7 Responses to County Cricket loses appeal: Alan Tyers

  1. JackieL says:

    The trouble is Alan Tyers’ humour is based on a cliche that is at least 10 years old. He needs to update his targets. The County Championship is eagerly followed these days at the grounds and on the internet. The last few years it has had knife edge finishes. Perhaps he just pops in to see Kent occasionally? If he came up North to Durham he might get a surprise. But the old chestnut about one man and his dog (which he unconvincingly updates to one pensioner) needs to get taken out of the fire. It is just irritating.

  2. NicholasF says:

    Jackie – it may be a cliche, but have you read the news? They’re at it again…

  3. Paul says:

    The humour aside there is also a proposal about starting county cricket matches at weekends.

    Do those who produce fixtures not realise the amount of people who watch county cricket that are also active in the recreational game?

    One only has to speak to people at games, as I have done, to quickly understand that there is a large proportion of the crowd play, umpire, score or support local cricket teams at the weekend. “Where are you Saturday?” followed by comments about catering facilities, professionals, a wet- windy day way-back when is often the ice-breaker between county friends and club rivals. This is also a well informed group often aware of clubs in other local leagues as well as there own who watch the game in progress with almost indifference while discussing with a passion club matches from the previous weekend.

    There is obviously a cross over between club cricketers and the first class game but for me, and for many, a club game will take precedence over most forms of the professional game. I missed Lancashire’s Smon Kerrigan’s nine-wicket haul at Aigburth because I was playing for my club. The county game is still followed, often by the scorer whose radio is tuned to a BBC local radio station although increasingly by twitter updates, yet the focus is the club game.

    For many Saturday is not a consideration when choosing to watch County Championship cricket.

  4. David says:

    County Cricket will survive because the people who attend will continue to pay their memberships. The thought of the County game giving way to a bash ‘em encounter with a white ball is not worth countenancing. We who attend enjoy the knowledgeable banter and camaraderie that exists not just between spectators but with players also.

    Having watched Notts at Worcester this year, I was pleased to see so many Notts members there also. Indeed in the pub we stayed at there were about a dozen other cricket fans generating a good midweek income for the place with food, accommodation and drink.

    Not bad for one man and his dog crowd. Do keep up and re-float the pedalo.

    However along with Swanny, I note the Test Championship has been shelved in favour of another 50 over competition to suit the TV broadcasters, so it is rumoured.

    That is a shame.

  5. dave betts says:

    I agree with the other commentators the CC games I go to are fairly well attended. This is cricket as it was, is and hopefully always will be. More should be done to sell the game yes, but the authorities seem disinterested, what about some national tv adverts emphasising the excitement, history and friendliness of the game, a true family game and a great day out for a reasonable cost in these cash strapped times.

  6. brian cheer says:

    I have been following County Cricket since the end of World War II and have to say to those who are not yet wet behind the years that there has always been those short-sighted people who keep advocating the end of County Cricket. Folk have more leisure time now and we are living longer. Where will the players of the future for England come from if they convince the “Old Farts” at ECB that we should only play T/T and 50 over cricket? There si already too much one day cricket and the T/20 stuff is losing its appeal with most Counties now. I say go back to the old days, uncovered wickets 3 day Championship with only one Division. Much more exciting and the crowds will come back. If we kweep the 4 day stuff we should limit the first Innings to 100 overs to stop the boring 600+ scores which is killing the excitement in the game.

  7. Ross Pilling says:

    The County Championship had a dramatic overhaul when the four day fomat was made more competitive with two divisions, to suggest less games, three divisons and/or play-offs is nonsense and making a mockery of what is now a superb competion.The area of the game that does need looking at is surely the one-day format The T20 returning to 10 games is sensible and strikes the right balance between revenue and resource. The 40 over game is in need of three Divisions and a last 8 going on to play in a late August final.A more sensible fixture list should result and a further revenue boost would come to counties if the ‘Internatonal match’ bidding were scrapped and games allocated on rota with all interested parties present.