Alan Tyers: Summer fixtures, the first draft

Cricket faces tough competition from football, the Olympics and the ECB in a packed summer 2012 schedule. It could have been worse – here we reveal how it could have gone down if the first draft programme for next year had been accepted…

May 15 West Indies arrive

May 16 Chris Gayle doesn’t fancy it, and goes home

May 17 First Test starts

May 18 First Test ends, West Indies all out for 43 (f/o)

May 19 Everyone agrees to play some T20s instead

May 22 Kyle de Villiers, England’s newest recruit, smashes eye-catching 46* in third T20 in Motherwell

May 23 Kyle has to go back to primary school

June 7 England hammered in last of 45 T20 matches

June 8 Cricket ceases to exist because England’s golden generation of footballers are set to win the Euro 2012 that is rightfully theirs

June 19 Steven Gerrard at a loss to describe why “we’ve got the best players in world football but we’ve come up short once again” as England crash out v Portugal, who almost certainly cheated in some way or other

June 28 Finally some space on the back pages for 30-word article about cricket in among football post mortems, calls for Fabio Capello to be imprisoned, death threats to Swedish referee etc

June 29 Australia arrive for five ODIs

July 7 After a quick freshen-up in the bogs at Heathrow, a whizz round the duty free and a change of underwear, Australia arrive for another five ODIs

July 15 South Africa arrive for three-match Test series. They warm up with a game of Stick Cricket on Morne Morkel’s iPad at Heathrow

July 16 Everyone decides that maybe it would be more inclusive to play 13 ODIs instead

July 17 Look up “inclusive” in the ECB handbook and check that it still means “lucrative”

July 24 Seb Coe comes round. He’s very impressive, isn’t he? He says we can’t have any cricket until The Olympics, or else Boris might riot

July 25 ECB spends next two weeks lobbying to get cricket introduced as an Olympic sport

July 29 Nothing doing. The nation is gripped by the exploits of Rufus Oddball-Ringbinder’s efforts to bring home gold in some sort of sailing thing, or one of those ones with a horse

July 30 Andrew Flintoff barred from Olympic Village after trying to steal Oddball-Ringbinder’s boat and/or horse “for a TV programme”

August 5 Australia arrive for another five ODIs, three T20s and a red-hot crack at the three-day eventing, skeet shooting and other Olympic events that Britain had earmarked as medal possibles

August 12 South Africa Tests condensed into one marathon rolling T20 match

August 4 England leave for 17-match ODI tour of Guatemala

By Alan Tyers. More made-up tomfoolery in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, by Tyers and Beach, here


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