Graeme Swann: Spinner, Skipper, Auteur by Alan Tyers

Me. Swanny. England Captain. This. Is. Huge.

With this news, I’ve taken a massive step forward towards post-cricket stardom. Chap! The career after you stop playing all depends on the profile you’ve built up during your cricketing days, and this appointment is the sort of boost I need to ensure a long and high-visibility career on TV. And in Hollywood. You look at your England captains – Vaughany with his wigs and his fingerpainting, Stewie with his range of regimental ties and desk tidies, Nasser with his edgy stand-up material about the Indian and the farmyard animal – and it’s clear that getting that stripe on your arm propels you into a different stratosphere fame-wise to the grunt England player. For me, it’s all about the entertainment industry. Specifically: the movies.

It all started for me with my series of short films ‘Swanny’s Ashes Diaries’, which gave me a chance to explore some of the narratives of being on tour (training, playing Xbox, me and Jimmy holding Monty down to fart on him) through the prism of a gifted young man’s struggle to understand an alien culture. You don’t need me to tell you that it was a critical and popular success, winner of the Palme De Bants at Cannes. Described by one publication as “the most extraordinary quantum leap in cricket cinema since Phil Tufnell’s Three Colours: Blooper DVD of out-takes from A Question Of Sport”. Nice!

Obviously my star power, marketability and arm-ball have already made me a future probable above-the-line star for action-comedy movies. But this opportunity to be at the helm is going to position me where I want to be vis à vis the entertainment industry once I hang up my spinning fingers: i.e. behind the camera. You see what I did with the vis à vis? French word – can’t see Timmy ‘Wannabe T20 captain’ Bresnan bilingualising like that, can you?! Obviously Bres is a great lad and there’s no hard feelings that he’s come out in the papers Wednesday and said he’d love to be skipper himself. Burned!

Seriously though, in five years, if I’m there directing Iron Man VI in LA and Bres needs a job, I’m sure that there will be a role for him as a key grip or a dolly or something like that.

I’ll be using these two Twenty20 matches to get some experience of running a large crew. If a lad wants to work on his tweeting and not practise his banter then, hey, that’s fine with me. I’m going to be very much an actor’s director and, assuming none of my cats (Swanny, Truffaut and Hitchcock) gets trapped under the floorboards and needs rescuing in an adrenalin-pumping car chase scene, I’m sure everything will go smoothly and we’ll be able to wrap up a nice little pair of features against the Windies on time, and under budget. Action!

By Alan Tyers. More made-up stuff in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, by Tyers and Beach, here

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