Alan Tyers: The Second England v India Test in Irrational Numbers

1 – ranking of side that had opponent 72 for 5 at lunch but didn’t use the bowler who had taken all the wickets and instead gave the ball to Suresh Raina

2 – number of consecutive innings in which England weak link Alastair Cook has shamefully failed to score a Test 50. Questions must be asked about his place

3 – remaining matches the media seem to think that England are sure to win in series

3 – original scheduled number of Test matches to be contested in the series, judging from Indian preparations for Lord’s

5 – sit ups done by Zaheer Khan in determined bid to be fit for match

9 – number of slips Sirian will demand if ball moves around a bit at Trent Bridge

15 – daily TV interviews by Stuart Broad confirming his clarity about role in team now

27 – offers from Duncan Fletcher to show Indian batsmen the forward press

27 – polite excuses made that they’ll be down to the nets in a minute but just have to take care of this one thing first

27 – hasty exits from the ground in false beard and big hat

38 – letters written by Monty Panesar to Sachin asking if he can come and bowl at him

39 – number of Tests played by Monty Panesar

39 – predicted total number of Tests played by Monty on retirement

43 – number of gorgeous, elegant, classical, untroubled runs set to be scored by Ian Bell in first innings at Nottingham

93 – injury niggles, sniffles, aches, pains and strains treated by Indian physio

99 – number of Test tons on which Sachin is stuck. Also delicious ice-cream favoured by Zaheer

10,694 – articles in English press confirming that England are now best Test team since 1948 Invincibles

By Alan Tyers

Check out CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, by Tyers and Beach, here

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4 Responses to Alan Tyers: The Second England v India Test in Irrational Numbers

  1. bhavesh says:

    what you wrote is disrespectful to indian. you can talk after the series is finish. and worthy champions will be the winner. what will happen if england lose all three test matches every single media will shut up, just because everyone thing your number 1. it doesn’t mean you number 1. you still need to earn it. don’t make the same mistake has greame smith. after this series you ever win will be classed as the number 1 team till then just watch it. because england will feel embarrased if they lose the series and india won’t give the number 1 crown so easy. also the sreesanth spell to south africa was stunning.

    • Hamish Farquharson says:

      The SHIFT key is generally towards the bottom left and right corners of keyboard. The good people who design keyboards even put two on to make it easier for left and right handers, I suppose…

      Fair point about being number 1 though. As Venus and Serena keep babbling on about as well, just being ranked #1 doesn’t make you the best. In the same vein, turning up to a Grand Slam with minimal preparation since err… the last Grand Slam is a bit crass and disrespectful to their opponents.

      Sound similar to the Indian “#1″ test team anyone?

  2. Step says:

    Errr bhavesh – I think it is supposed to be a joke. The idea is that you read it and laugh, or at least smile a little.
    PS What ice cream is Zaheer’s favourite?

  3. Gareth says:

    Alan T is actually criticising the media for making the assumption that England will win 4-0. He’s saying that’s not a wise thing to do – in fact he’s saying very clearly that it’s not a wise move! If you can’t understand the point the article is making then don’t post a comment on it!