England v India: The Commentary Drinking Game

It’s going to be a great summer. It’s the summer of Sachin, the world’s No.1 Test team and England’s bid to reach the summit. It’s also the summer of Knighty, Colvile and cricket’s occasional uncomfortable appearances on the back pages.

You need a plan. Steel yourself for even the longest Nick-on-Trott sessions with our handy drinking game…

Reference is made to ‘The Little Master’
Drink one finger

Reference is made to wristiness, humbleness, littleness or masterliness of Little Master
One finger per adjective

100th commentary mention of 100th hundred that day
One hundred shots of beer in 100 minutes

Jonathan Trott is batting
Pause to measure out carefully drink. Leave for a few minutes. Examine drink for a bit. Fiddle with ice or label on drink. Back away from drink. Move towards drink as if to pick up. Decide that there is someone moving in the neighbour’s garden and it might be distracting you. Walk away from drink.

Rahul Dravid is batting
As above, but get a friend to intone the words “classical” and “correct” for several hours while you stare at untouched drink

Sreesanth has a tantrum, takes boots off and hurls them at batsman’s head from two yards
Drink one finger

Commentators wring hands about terrible direction the game is heading
Drink two fingers

Stuart Broad has a tantrum, takes boots off and hurls them at batsman’s head from two yards
Drink one finger

Commentators praise Broad’s aggression and competitiveness
Finish drink

Samit Patel may be used as a second spinner
Drink one drink. Vodka and slimline tonic. NO PEANUTS

Duncan Fletcher appears to smile in press conference
You have drunk too much and are imagining things

Sir Ian is mad as all hell about something, either the failure to have a sixth slip, or a fielder on the boundary, or something to do with Eurocrats and bananas or something
Drink case of white wine

Andrew Strauss insists failures against left-armer is “just a statistical blip”
Drink one drink per dismissal (minimum seven drinks)

England play hilarious practical joke on Zaheer Khan
Dunk one jelly bean in drink and down it

Zaheer takes 7 for 23
Drink rest of bottle and turn off TV

By Alan Tyers
Check out CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, by Tyers and Beach, here

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2 Responses to England v India: The Commentary Drinking Game

  1. Pingback: The cricket drinking game: « jameswickham.co.uk

  2. PC says:

    This is the best thing i have read all day. But as much as i like the whole idea, i am afraid all this drinking might kill my cricket career.