As Test cricket seeks to compete against the summer counter-lures of Twenty20, Wimbledon and binge-drinking, the time has come for a rethink of the Test match hours of play…
9.30am Aleem Dar emerges under enormous umbrella to postpone toss.
9.45am Head groundsman inspects outfield. On a jetski.
9.50am David Gower makes day’s first weary promise to “keep you updated”.
9.55am Oh look! It’s Edgbaston 2005 on the TV again.
11.15am Covers off.
11.25am Inspection scheduled for 11.50am.
11.50am Ground is bathed in glorious sunshine. Some members of crowd treated for heatstroke.
11.55am Announcement: Play will begin at 12.20pm.
12.19pm Covers on.
12.22pm Flash flooding down by long leg.
12.30pm Early lunch taken.
1.10pm Lunch ends.
1.15pm Toss. Which obviously couldn’t take place during lunch interval.
1.20pm Inspection. Play scheduled for 2pm.
2.50pm Rain clears.
3.10pm Inspection. Play scheduled for 3.50pm.
3.48pm Players out on pitch, everyone ready to go.
3.52pm Billy Doctrove on pitch, ready to go.
3.54pm Play starts.
3.55pm England captain bowled by left-armer.
4.09pm Jonathan Trott ready to face his first delivery.
4.10pm Tea. Weather glorious.
4.30pm Players back out.
5.50pm Players back out, floodlights on.
5.55pm “Luminescence” discussed at some length.
5.59pm With lights on, ground is dazzlingly bright. Can be seen from space.
6.01pm Light meters out.
6.03pm Billy Doctrove looking unhappy.
6.04pm Players off for bad light.
7.30pm Rain clears.
8pm A minimum of 24.4 overs will be bowled, to ensure nobody gets a refund.
By Alan Tyers Check out CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, by Tyers and Beach, here